When I found out we were expecting baby#2 in July of 2015, I took a deep, excited, terrified breath and said, "Ok. So I'm pregnant. Now what?"
This wasn't exactly planned. Given how difficult it was for us to conceive Evie, we weren't expecting another little bundle for a while. I had mixed emotions. Of course I was thrilled, but there were still so many questions left from my birth experience with Evie that I hadn't yet worked through. Was I even capable of going into labor on my own? Could I really handle the pains of labor and delivery without medication? Did I really want to try? Did I want to face the risks of having a baby outside of the hospital? Did I want to face the lack of control and the risks of a repeat c-section if I had a baby inside of the hospital?
Since I didn't really have a regular OB at the time, I made an appointment with Dr. Proverbs, who did my c-section with Evie, to establish prenatal care. We found out via ultrasound that I was about 7 weeks along, due April 17, 2016, and everything looked healthy and normal. I desperately wanted to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), so I asked Dr. Proverbs if she would be willing to support that. Her response was disheartening at best. She took a deep breath and said, "well...you can try. But I'd really like you to be monitored from the first contraction all the way through delivery."
Well, that sounds awful.
I wanted to do more than just TRY; and I certainly needed a team of people who would support my decisions and not just wait around for me to fail. I left her office with pamphlets on the risks of uterine rupture, the dangers of "advanced maternal age," birth defects, genetic tests. . . and a lot of question marks. Based on my experience with Evie, I wasn't really keen on laboring in the hospital, but I also decided long ago I would never go back to New Birth Company. So now what?
I looked into the possibility of a home birth, initially out of morbid curiosity. I had a few friends that had done it, but could I? The more I researched, the better I felt about having this baby at home. I went from completely discouraged to downright excited, so I started interviewing home birth midwives in my area. It was through a string of lucky coincidences that I was given the name and contact information of Nicole Greene. I interviewed her and instantly liked her. She was relaxed and encouraging and believed in informed consent instead of forced policies and procedures. When she told me that if everything looked healthy, she would let me carry this baby until 43 weeks, I was absolutely sure she was the one I wanted on my side. I hired her almost immediately. I also hired my doula, Stefanie Olson, from Evie's birth. My birth team was set, and I felt great. I still had so many buried feelings from my c-section, but through lots and lots and LOTS of talking with Nicole and Stefanie over the course of my pregnancy, I reached a point of peace with that experience and allowed myself the possibility that I just might be able to birth a baby. On my own. Without drugs or interventions. In my own home. I felt kind of awesome.
Despite the progress I had made mentally, the question marks would continue to creep up as my due date came...and went. Flashbacks from Evie's birth popped up and I would send a panicked text to Nicole, who assured me that I still had lots of time to go into labor on my own. So, I waited and tried not to panic.
At a day shy of 41 weeks, Mom and I made birth affirmation posters in an effort to prepare my mind for labor. They were up on the wall and proved to be monumental help over the course of the next several days.
BIRTH
I started having mild contractions while at my parents house for dinner on the evening of Sunday, April 24th that were fifteen minutes apart, but very mild. They continued through a good portion of the night, coming every 5 to 7 minutes, but would stop by morning. I was almost sure baby Emmett would be coming in the next day or two, especially after (TMI ALERT) the "bloody show" appeared on Monday morning. That was definitely a new experience for me...
That pattern of contractions continued day after day for the next 6 days, most often through the night, and would stop after a few hours. It was an emotional week for me. The start/stop, will I?/won't I? of it all was stressful at best. Somedays I worried that my "deadline" would come and an induction would be necessary; other days I felt absolutely confident and downright cheerful. It was infuriating.
I had a major breakdown on Thursday night. It was rainy and depressing weather and I felt an overwhelming feeling of dread. It was very confusing. I was suddenly second-guessing my decision to birth at home. Was this feeling an impression that what I was about to embark on was the wrong decision? How could something that I felt so absolutely positive about just days ago be such a strong source of worry for me now? Jonny offered me a beautiful Priesthood blessing and I felt better. After discussing things with a friend, I came to the realization that my worry was really surrounding my daughter. Would she be OK without me for a couple of days? How was this new baby going to change our family dynamic? How was her little heart going to take the big changes coming? The tears flowed, and it was very cleansing. I moved through those feelings and felt ready and confident once again.
That is, until Friday morning. . . Nicole said that she would be willing to come do a membrane sweep Friday evening to help things along after I sent her yet another panicky text message. Meanwhile I was doing everything I could think of to get labor going, to no avail. I felt an emotional block and knew that that might be the reason that labor hadn't started. Friday morning I felt very strongly that a membrane sweep wasn't something I wanted to do just yet, so we put it off until Monday. On Saturday morning I called a friend of mine who walked me through an energy release exercise. What followed was an incredibly personal and spiritual experience and it was exactly what I needed to feel absolutely ready to go into labor.
That Sunday, May 1st, I woke up after a night of contractions that varied in timing, but didn't let up. I had to stand and sway through contractions, so I sent Jonny and Evie off to church while I stayed home to walk around the neighborhood, clean out Evie's room, and try whatever I could to keep the contractions coming. By 5pm, things hadn't let up, so I sent a text to my mom to let her know I wouldn't be coming to their house for dinner. I had no desire to sit in a car through these contractions. At 6pm, Mom and Dad brought dinner over to us. I had to stand and lean on Jonny through contractions, and they were getting harder to talk through. I called my doula, Stefanie, at 7:30pm. She told me to take a shower, take a walk, and call her in an hour or when I felt like I needed help to get through labor. We knew this was it, so we sent Evie home with Mom and Dad to spend the night.
Jonny and I went upstairs, took a shower, changed into fresh clothes and kept working through my contractions. I didn't want to call Stefanie too soon and risk her not being able to stay through my whole labor (as is what happened with Evie's birth). Jonny and I had a pretty good system going anyway. I was pretty sure we were OK for now.
At around 9:30pm, Jonny and I made our way downstairs where we used the TENS unit to help distract from the ever-increasing intensity of my contractions. They were steadily coming every four minutes now and I was starting to make the low, primal moans that come with active labor. I tried to keep everything relaxed and open and let Emmett move down in preparation for birth.
Stefanie arrived a little after 10:30pm and began setting up the birth tub in between applying counter-pressure on my back and reminding me to keep a low voice during contractions, which were coming every one or two minutes now. I stopped using my contractions app by this point because there wasn't enough time to push the "start" button before the intensity took all of my concentration. I knew things were getting serious. During my labor with Evie, I found the balance ball very helpful. This time around, sitting down wasn't an option because of discomfort, so I labored standing up the whole time. I tried kneeling on the couch facing the wall to relieve some stress on my feet and legs, but found that to be very uncomfortable, so I swayed and moaned and "bobbled" my head through each contraction, trying to keep my face and body as relaxed as possible. I drew some strength from the posters on the walls, but mostly kept my eyes closed. Stefanie observed me for about 30 minutes before she recommended we call Nicole. Stefanie later admitted to me that she felt, based on how I was acting between contractions, that we had several hours left until it would be time to push, but the fact that they were coming every minute or so told her that we needed our midwife.
Nicole arrived around 12:30am and helped to finish filling the tub. I was getting very anxious to get in that warm water and let it help me with the ever-worsening contractions. When it was FINALLY ready, I got in the tub and knelt down to lean against the side. Jonny pulled up the balance ball and sat in front of me to help me focus. The water didn't offer the comfort I had expected. Less than a minute after I got in, I started shaking and had a contraction that was worse than anything I had experienced previously. I had hit transition and it was very intense. I was literally clawing at Jonny now, barely able to concentrate and keep on top of the pain. At the end of the second contraction in the tub, I felt my body begin to push, and I started to panic. Instantly I regretted this decision to labor naturally. This was PAINFUL. This was NOT the peaceful, quiet experience I had imagined it would be. I was afraid. I was afraid of the "ring of fire", I was afraid of tearing, I was afraid of pushing. I had never done this part before and I felt so unprepared. I started breathing irregularly and had to be reminded to take deep breaths. There was a 2 or 3 minute gap between one of the contractions (thank goodness!) that provided a small window of time to rest between pushes. When the next contraction came, Nicole told me to reach down and see if I could feel the baby's head crowning. Fear took over and I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was all happening so fast. It was nothing like all the birth videos on YouTube I had been watching in preparation for this. I started being very vocal, screaming that it hurt too much and I couldn't do it. Something else was taking over birthing this baby, because my head was somewhere else entirely. It was very strange and very overwhelming.
During the next push, I could feel Emmett's head emerging and I could hear Nicole telling me to slow down and do "little grunt pushes." I took a deep breath and took control again. The fear was vanishing a little bit at a time. One last push and Emmett was born into Jonny's arms (truthfully, I can't recall when Jonny moved from the balance ball in front of me to the back of the tub to catch the baby...). Instantly, the pain was gone and everything was quiet. It was probably the most peaceful feeling of relief I have ever experienced. I wanted to hang onto that feeling for as long as I could.
Emmett and I hung out in the tub for about 20 minutes until things got a little chilly. I could feel a twinge of pain and asked Nicole if I tore. She nodded and told me I likely did. We moved to the couch in the living room where I delivered the placenta and Jonny cut the cord (which, by the way, was one of the longest cords my midwife had ever seen. Quite the proud moment).
Nicole went about cleaning up the tub and the birth space while the rest of us hung out in the living room to chat. Stefanie left around 2:30am. Nicole checked me for tears and found I had torn in two places. The first was a labial tear that could not be repaired and the second was a perineal tear that Nicole wanted to stitch, but I begged her not to. She told me that if I kept my knees together and took it easy, she'd let me off the hook. Next she measured and weighed Emmett. We were all shocked when he weighed in at 10lb 2oz, 21 inches long. I started to feel like Superwoman.
This was an experience that, initially, I admit I wasn't sure I would ever want to repeat. Giving birth was not at all what I had envisioned. It was HARD. It was painful. And for me, it was scary. Afterwards, though, was everything I wanted. No nurses coming in every two hours to push on my stomach, no one bugging me about bathing the baby, I never had to leave my house, I never got separated from my new baby. It was absolutely perfect and peaceful. In addition, I have gained a confidence I never thought I would have. I was so discouraged after my c-section. Having this experience has been vindicating and incredibly freeing. I found out what I was really capable of. I will always be grateful for my my incredible birth team. They were, and are, everything to me. I can definitively say that I would do this all again in a heartbeat.
Below are some pretty raw pictures of Emmett's birth. My doula was kind enough to snap a few pictures for me and I'm so grateful to have them. I hesitated sharing them because it is such a personal (and somewhat revealing) experience, but this was such a deeply empowering moment in my life. I really wanted to share that with my friends.
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| Emmett Jonathan Blake Miller May 2, 2016 10lb 2oz, 21" |
