Happy Frustrations: The Birth Story of Genevieve Noelle Alda Miller

Anyone who knows me at all knows I'm a wee bit granola. Anything worth doing should be done naturally, in my opinion. Childbirth, to me, is no exception. I knew that I wanted my child to come into this world when he/she was ready and without induction or intervention. I became rigidly attached to this idea over time. So attached that I judged and cringed and shook my head anytime anyone was enthusiastic about their own c-section or induction or epidural.

After my pregnancy was confirmed March 2013 and began progressing normally, I read more about natural childbirth. I was specifically interested in Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method. A good friend of mine let me borrow her copy of the book and I read and re-read several passages. I prepared and read and practiced as much as one individual could. I made regular appointments with the midwives at New Birth Company; the only free-standing birth center near where I live. I read more natural birth stories and fell in love with the power that comes from accomplishing something so incredible and empowering as natural childbirth. I began to look forward without fear to the day when labor would begin.

November 17th, my due date, came and went. I was expecting that. What I didn't expect was that the midwives at New Birth were much more concerned about my "overdueness" than I was. Most first time moms are 7-10 days overdue on average. I wasn't worried. I figured things would work out just fine, even if I wasn't yet dilated a single centimeter. I tried to have faith in my body and in my baby.

Just before I hit 41 weeks, I was sent in for a biophysical profile (BPP) and a non-stress test (NST) to check on baby Evie. Everything came back normal. I also met with Dr. Joanna Proverbs at Shawnee Mission Medical Center in the event that I would hit 42 weeks and need to be induced. I was absolutely positive that I would not have to worry about that one bit.

On Tuesday, November 24th, at 41 weeks 2 days, I left work after a busy morning and went in to see a midwife, Melissa, at New Birth for a routine check. I had been feeling some mild cramping for the last 24 hours or more so I was getting excited that things were finally moving along in the right direction. I was checked and was barely dilated to a one. Even more disappointing was that the baby wasn't engaged at all; she was still high above the birth canal. Melissa checked the baby's heart rate. Even I heard the alarming decelerations through the doppler. I stayed for another NST to watch her heart rate for 30 minutes. After the test was over, Melissa came into the room and said that she had spoken to Dr. Proverbs and they both agreed that because of Evie's heart rate decels, it was advisable that I leave immediately for the hospital to be induced.

I was shocked. I broke down. This was NOT in the plan. This was NOT what I wanted. I wanted a natural, induction-free birth experience in the peace of a birth center; not the chaotic, machine-filled hospital ordeal I had seen in documentaries and witnessed for myself in the experiences of others. I called Jonny, who was at work, and told him to meet me at the birth center. He said OK and left work immediately (for future reference, ladies, when you call your husband in tears asking him to meet you where you are planning to give birth, be sure to let him know that the baby is fine before you hang up the phone. I forgot this minor detail and my poor husband imagined the worst during the drive to the birth center.)

We left the birth center around 3:00 that afternoon. I called my doula, Stefanie, and let her know what was going on. She was set to meet me at the Shawnee Mission Medical Center in a couple of hours. In the meantime, my mom went home to grab what little we had packed (birth centers rarely require an overnight stay, so we had only packed the very basics) and would meet us at the hospital later on as well.

By 5:30, I was set up in a room hooked to multiple machines and monitors. It was surreal. Once I had accepted the fact that the birth center was no longer where I would be having this baby, I started to get more calm and even a little bit excited. I would finally be meeting my baby, and that was a wonderful, wonderful thing. I shifted my mind from disappointment to preparation for labor. I was still determined to go as naturally as possible. I would still have the birth experience I wanted even if it was in the location I most dreaded. I was still in control. It would be OK.

Evie's heart rate was monitored for almost an hour, after which Dr. Proverbs announced that she was doing beautifully; no decels, steady heart rate, handling my minor contractions well. She told me I could go home if I wanted to, but that she wouldn't advise it. I agreed to stay and see how things progressed. Dr. Proverbs was wonderful at taking things one small step at a time to assist in my goal of natural labor/childbirth. Cervadil was inserted at 6:30 that night to help thin my cervix (at that point I was barely 50% effaced) in hopes that labor would progress on its own through the night. (I will spare the readers' eyes of the horrific details of discomfort that followed that decision. It was the most not-fun thing I had experienced to that point.)

I was finally allowed food at 8:30; I would have eaten more if I had known it would be my last full meal for nearly two and a half days. (Another one of my biggest complaints about hospital birth, but I digress...) Good thing I have a husband and a mother who defy ridiculous rules and would occasionally slip me bites of food throughout labor.

Contractions were coming steadily through the night; not terribly uncomfortable yet, but I still couldn't sleep. Finally I was given a dose of Stadol at 2:30am to help me sleep. That was a drug trip I will not soon forget, but at least I got a few hours of sleep. The next morning I was dilated to 2cm and was 70% effaced. At 8:30am I was started on low-dose Pitocin. Fear approached again; I had heard such terrible things about laboring with Pitocin. Stefanie assured me it would be OK, and that we would just take things one step at a time.

The dose of Pitocin was increased little by little as labor went on. By almost 12:30 I was dilated to 3cm. Not exactly the speed of labor I was hoping for, but it was still progress. I was still hopeful. The contractions were getting more uncomfortable, coming five minutes apart, but I could still talk through them. Evie's heart rate was monitored closely throughout the entire process via external sensors. The nurses kept having to come in every 15-20 minutes to adjust the monitors. It seemed that whenever I found a comfortable position to labor in, Evie would not tolerate it or she would move out of range and I would have to find another position where she could be more closely tracked.

I was checked again at 3pm (PS-no one tells you that being checked while in labor is more painful than contractions. . . ). Still only 3cm dilated, 70% effaced. The baby had gone from -3 station to -2 station. I held onto the hope that she was at least moving downward at this point, and that was a good thing. Contractions were now getting more severe, coming 2-3 minutes apart, and it took greater degrees of concentration to get through them. Stefanie, my mom, and Jonny all took turns rubbing my shoulders and back during contractions and that helped a great deal. Evie and I finally agreed on a labor position where we were both comfortable, so I stayed in a sitting position on a yoga ball for several hours. I was really looking forward to laboring in the jetted tub in my hospital room. . .

Stefanie left around 5pm (at that point she had been with me for 24 hours) and one of her partners, Sara, came in to coach me through the rest of labor and delivery.

At 5:30pm, Dr. Proverbs came in to check my progress; I was dilated to a 4, still only 70% effaced, baby was still at -2 station and not handling the contractions with Pitocin as well as the doctor would have liked. She asked me if I would be OK with her breaking my water in hopes that my body would take over the contractions and Evie's heart rate would return to normal. I was in so much pain that all I could say was, "I don't know. I don't know." Before I knew it, it was done. The decision was made and she broke my water. After that, my contractions went from painful to excruciating very, very quickly. They were coming almost on top of each other now and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out. I was not allowed to labor in the tub until I dilated to a 6. I was told that once one reaches 4cm, one could dilate as quickly as 1cm/hr until birth. I looked at the clock and did the math in my head; that left me at least 2 more hours until the tub, 6 more hours of contractions like this until birth. I was almost 24 hours into labor with no sleep and little food to sustain energy. I was lying on my side surrounded by my mom, Sara, and Jonny. I looked at them with tears in my eyes and told them I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt so defeated. I had now done almost every single thing in labor and childbirth that I was so adamantly opposed to in the beginning. I was incredibly disappointed in myself. Luckily, I had been blessed by an amazing team who were all so encouraging. They all said so many words of support and told me they were impressed with how far I had come despite the obstacles I had faced. There was still a longing for the natural experience that I had wanted initially, but hearing expressions of love helped to bolster my resolve.

Mom and Sara left the room around 6:15 and Jonny stayed with me as they administered the epidural. They also put internal monitors on Evie's head to get more consistent readings of my contractions and her heart rate. I felt relief from the pain very quickly and could now relax a bit. I could still feel very slight contractions but I was almost relieved by that. My good friend, Jaime, came to visit me, which was a strange feeling. Here I was, in active labor, chatting and laughing with friends and family. This was certainly not what I had pictured for my childbirth experience! An hour later, I was still only dilated to 4cm, 80% effaced. The monitors showed heart deceleration after contractions, so I was moved to my right side to labor. There was little improvement after a few contractions, so I was moved to another position. All this moving made the monitors fall off of Evie, so external monitors were applied once again to check her heart rate.

At 8:00pm, my nurse came in and explained that the contractions were not strong enough to encourage further dilation and increasing pitocin was a concern due to the heart rate issues. Dr. Proverbs was consulted and the decision was made to try increasing the pitocin again and monitor the baby very, very closely. At 10:30pm, the pitocin was stopped. The heart decelerations were now a greater concern and my body was not contracting well enough on its own to increase dilation. I was still at 4cm and for a reason only God knows, Evie was not moving into the birth canal. It was around this time that the shaking began. I was having a hard time relaxing. I was shaking so badly that I was afraid I would bite my tongue! The nurses insisted this was a normal, hormonal reaction. This certainly didn't feel normal.

At 11:15pm, Dr. Proverbs was consulted. I knew the end result before the nurse said it aloud; my baby would have to be delivered via C-section. I can't even explain the feelings that ran through my head. I was emotionally numb. I was worried about the baby, I was concerned about the process, I was disappointed in some aspects of the whole experience. . . but mostly I was just ready for it to be over.

The nurses were asked to leave the room as Jonny gave me a Priesthood blessing. I can't remember a single word, but I do remember the blanket of peace that seemed to settle on the whole room and brought the serene reality that made every moment of the previous hours worth it. We were going to meet the baby. FINALLY!

I was wheeled to the OR at 11:35pm. I was still shaking and anxious, but also excited. Genevieve Noelle Alda Miller was born at 12:02am on Thanksgiving Day. She was 8lbs 1oz and 21 inches long. She was born with a temperature of 102, a sure sign of the stress she had been under. As for me, I felt like I was strapped to that operating table for ages, waiting to be sewn back up; waiting to hold my little girl. Jonny got to hold baby Evie while they finished with me. Exhaustion and the heavy emotional toll left me very disconnected through that entire experience in the OR. Everything seemed so mechanical and robotic; like I wasn't really in my own body. Even so, I still remember catching glimpses of my husband holding his brand new daughter. I still remember how he talked to her. And I still remember how proud and overjoyed he looked. In the midst of chaos and frustration and worry and endless shaking, there was that; my new little family. And as they wheeled me (finally) back to my room, I couldn't stop smiling.